L O V E

Between The Trees!!

2008-05-21T18:49:00.000-07:00

So BTT is an AMAZING band... and if you haven't listened to them before, you really need to look them up. The first song I heard by them was "The Way She Feels"... and if you know anything about me, you will know that that song is very near to me. They have been working with To Write Love On Her Arms, and the song "The Way She Feels" is actually written about Renee, the girl who TWLOHA was started for, basically. Here's a few links that you really need to check out:

TWLOHA - The Story
TWLOHA - The 1st Video (Intro)
Between The Trees official website
The Way She Feels official music video

And this is the best interview I have seen with BTT, where they talk about when they first met Renee, some of the songs they've written, there do some acoustic stuff, and you get to know them and more of their story. Watch it!!

And here is a brief bio of BTT... :-) (taken from their website)

Formed in early 2005, this Orlando based band has swept the scene with their unforgettable hooks and catchy lyrics. Between The Trees, developed in the west side of Orlando, began with lead vocalist Ryan Kirkland and the brothers, Josh and Jeremy Butler. In the early stages this small trio started writing and performing at small venues in the local Orlando area. Soon after, in Spring 2005, they chose a keyboardist, Wes Anderson, to join them in this venture. Realizing a need for another guitarist, Between The Trees soon sought after Brad Kriebel, a close friend and great musician. After finalizing the line up, this band began to write and collaborate different styles of music. The group has become known for their ability to create a common ground with the fans through their music using life experiences and friendship as their foundation. This is the unique and talented group known as Between The Trees.

Okay, that's all. Just wanted to put that out there. Now go and check out those links and watch the videos/read the stories and spread the word!!

Love you all.

2008-04-18T12:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to this place in Litchfield where there is this huge park, full of daffodils. Its beautiful. But extremely buggy. I took a lot of pictures. And I got a goose to hiss at me.

Today I woke up early, which has been happening a lot lately as I am getting into this new sleep cycle/schedule. So I woke up, got a phone call from someone about a place he found was offering pottery lessons, and so I called them and, get this, I signed up. :-D It starts tomorrow. Well, it actually started on April 1st, but I talked with the guy and he is willing to work with me and let me join still if I make up some of the classes during the week. The class runs usually on Saturdays from 9:30-12:30. I'm excited.

Then my one friend here at home, who happens to be a mother of 2 high schoolers, lol, called me and we decided to go on a hike. 3.5 miles and a cold shower later, here I am.

And now I get to the point of this post. My dad emailed me today about this arts and crafts fair that his company, Traveler's Insurance is having, and asked me if I would like to be a part of it. I said yes! So on WEDNESDAY, APRIL 30TH I am going to have my very own space/table, and you should come see me!! Though I realize most of you are either in another country or state, I thought I would still extend the invitation. ;-) I'm really nervous though. What if people don't like my photos? What if I get all this stuff ready, I already bought the booth, and it turns out to be a flop? Oh well, gotta take the chance at least, right? Right. But that means that between now, April 17th and then, April 30th, I have a heck of a lot of editing and printing and designing and assembling to do. But, I am excited. Who knows, maybe I'll at least get to meet some new people.

Okay, thats all for now I guess. If you actually are a(n) [avid] reader of my blog, leave a comment so I know you were here! Haha. Though I realize that those people only exist in my head. :-P

Love you all.

Eh

2008-04-17T19:01:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've been completely ditched and left out to dry.
What happened to what was there?
To words that were said?
To promises made?
To the friendship that was shared?
Right now, I'm really confused, ticked off, and very hurt.
I hate being treated like this.
But do I actually deserve better?
What happens now?

I feel like shit.

(Sorry if you don't like what I have to say. But, it is my blog, and, I can say what I want. So deal!) :)

The Sound Of Laughter

2008-04-11T20:48:00.000-07:00

"If a rainbow makes a sound, or a flower as it grows,
that was the sound of her laughter."

Time for a real post, or at least something headed in that direction. This past week I spent just about all of my time thinking, praying, reading, remembering, and thinking. The past three days I have been feeling extremely lonely, and have been arguing with myself about things. Here at home, there's just me and my parents. The rest of me, my life, and what has become my family, are all back in New York. You ever miss something or someone so much that it actually hurts? Yeah.

I have been thinking a lot about Christ. What it means to love. What that Love actually looks like. Relationships. School. Healing. Forgiveness. Second chances. Death. Fear. Redemption. Why it is so hard to let other people love you. Trust.

I'm working on getting all my thoughts into some sort of comprehensible piece. So we'll see.

Why do we spend so much time dwelling in the past? And the rest of the time we are worrying about or trying to plan for the future. And all the while we are completely missing out on Today. This moment. What really matters. God is here with us in this moment, and he is calling us to follow him and to trust him, and to let him love us right now. But we're too often, or at least I am too often, too busy worrying about what has and hasn't happened, and about what I am going to do. My eyes become blind to Today, and to all the miracles held within it. I'm tired of living that way. I'm tired of not living. But it's hard to change something that has been en-grained in you for so long. At the same time, though, I can't see that there's any other option but to break free from the lifeless, loveless mold that the world has told us is 'right.'

You know much about what a "fractal" is? I will tell you more about that later too.

This week I read a book that has quite literally turned my world upside down. In an incredible, yet challenging way. If there is one book you read this year, let it be this one. Seriously. It's called, "The Shack" and is written by William P. Young. There are so many things I want to share with you from this book, but I will contain myself for now, and share more later when I can really gather my thoughts. But, here are a few pieces: (you have to read the book to understand the context, but here it is "God/Jesus/Spirit" talking to the main character, Mack)

"All I want from you is to trust me with what little you can, and grow in loving people around you with the same love I share with you. It's not your job to change them, or to convince them. You are free to love without an agenda."

"It is true that relationships are a whole lot messier than rules, but rules will never give you answers to the deep questions of the heart and they will never love you."

"I've never placed an expectation on you or anyone else. The idea behind expectations requires that someone does not know the future or outcome and is trying to control behavior to get the desired result. Humans try to control behavior largely through expectations. I know you and everything about you. Why would I have an expectation other than what I already know? That would be foolish. And beyond that, because I have no expectations, you never disappoint me."

Mack: But I've tried pretty hard to lock you out of my life.

"People are tenacious when it comes to the treasure of their imaginary independence. They hoard and hold their sickness with a firm grip. They find their identity and worth in their brokenness and guard it with every ounce of strength they have. No wonder grace has so little attraction. In that sense you have tried to lock the door of your heart from the inside."

Mack: But I didn't succeed.

"That's because my love is a lot bigger than your stupidity."

This week I have only just begun to understand how HUGE God's love for us is, and what it means to Live, and have a deep relationship with the One who created all things.

I'll post more later, more about what I have been learning and what my other thoughts are, what some of my struggles are, and some other things I want to share with you.

Thoughts so far?

A Year and Five Days

2008-04-06T17:27:00.000-07:00

So, its been over a year since I've posted on here. Actually, I'm pretty sure I posted something awhile ago, but erased it when I went back and read it the next day.

A lot has happened in the past year. That is an understatement. I have so much inside that I want so badly to let out, to say.

But, what can I say that hasn't already been said?

"To love, is to be vulnerable."

2007-04-01T22:47:00.001-07:00

These thoughts can't seem to touch the end
This dark night lasts forever
I don't know where to turn for help
This heart is too worn out to cry
These wounds have made me weak
Can't find the strength to climb the steeper paths
Clouds remain that my cries cannot erase
I'm left here limp, in the arms of grace
I'm searching for the peace You promised
Looking for an end to this war
Rising deep within my soul
I'm told You whisper words of peace
Words that calm the raging storm
I feel myself falling ever deeper inside
Unable to hear even my own cries
You promised to be near
But I'm surrounded by darkness so thick
Nothing left to hold on to
I can barely breathe
I'm stretching, but You're just out of reach

Beautiful Love
You changed my world
But what You see, I cannot
You broke down walls
A lifetime was spent building
Seeing what was within me
You chose to remain
You did not look away
Found something worth loving
You loved me through the pain
As my hand reaches out in desperation
You reach for me in Love
You're more than I can take
You won't let me go
You can't

We're all looking for answers. We desperately want to understand. We want to know who we are. But sometimes, we want to know so badly, that we'll believe just about anything. It's a terrible tragedy.

Holding onto nothing
Clinging to a lost hope
Wanting to remember
Trying to forget
Longing for the light to come
Hiding in the darkness
Praying to be rescued
Too afraid to reach out for help
Promises once clearly heard
Lose their voice amidst the cries.
How far will you go?

"...I looked for him but did not find him.
I called him but he did not answer."
Song of Solomon 5:6

Torn apart from the inside
Piece by piece
You lost your strength
A part of you disappeared
I was there.
Your heart is heavy
Your steps are weary
The pain becomes too much
I've been there.
The darkness wraps around you
The lies of the enemy have left you blind
I am still here.
The demons that you wrestle
Have brought you to your knees
But it's there that you will find me
I'll help you rise again.
I pray that you will hear my truth
As I speak it over you, my beloved.
Won't you let me love you?
Let me be your strength
Let me break your silence
Let me cast my light on all your hidden places
I will take your shame
I will bear your burden
You will never be alone
Won't you let me love you?

"I would rather feel this pain, all too familiar, than be broken by a love that I don't understand."

She self destructs, but you wouldn't know it.
She does it to know that she has control over something.
She does it because it's all she knows.
Etched on her arm, a constant reminder.
Only a small reflection of the pain she feels inside.
She's wants more than anything, someone to see.
Someone to see beyond her facade
Someone to see the pain she hides
When every day she says "I'm fine."
She needs someone to come beside her
To take away the razor blade
And instead of writing all her wrongs
She needs someone to write Love
Someone to write Love on her arms.
But, she hides it so well.
You'd never know it was her...

(If it doesn't have quotes on it, it's by me. And also, please keep in mind that it's been a really long time since I've written, and these are just rough drafts, so, yeah...The end)

Body of Christ

2007-02-24T21:09:00.000-08:00

So I was listening to the radio for the first time in forever today, and there was this song that came on that caught my attention. (And no, it wasn't country!) I don't know who sings it or what it's called, but it was interesting. It talked about all the bitterness, anger, pride, hate, sadness and pain in the world. And there was one part where they asked the question, "Will we ever have a day where no one is dying?" I thought about that for a while. It's actually pretty depressing to think about that for too long, because you begin to realize even more so just how broken, hurt and bleeding this world is. How desperate they are for real Love. We are called to be the body of Christ, and reach out to this world. Not just by giving money to missions so that someone else can do the work, not simply by donating food or clothes either. That's all great, but that's also not all. We are called to be the body of Christ. His hands. His arms. His feet. His love, in a very real way. We can't expect to stop the bleeding in this world without getting personally involved, without getting dirty. I'm not saying it's easy. It's not. And we're most likely going to have our hearts broken in the process. Many times. "To love is to be vulnerable." (C.S. Lewis) But is it worth it? Yes.

Over the past few months I've been able to experience people becoming the literal body of Christ and reaching out to me. I've been able to build a relationship with someone who has been where I have been. Who has dealt with and been through the deep depression and despair that I have been through. They came to my side, and helped me out of where I was. They got dirty in my problems. They didn't just stand there, looking down upon me, telling me that I should "read the bible more" or "pray more" and then things would be okay. They didn't tell me that it was my fault for what I am going through, and that I'm the reason things happened the way they did. No. They came beside me and helped me through. They showed me that there really is good in this world. They showed me that life is worth living. They showed me God's love in a way that I had never seen or experienced it before.

"...we are called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding."

"There is no normal life that is free from pain. I'm proud of you for the times you wrestled with your problems and discovered how much that it helped you grow." (Fred Rogers)

I would hurl words into this darkness and wait for an echo, and if an echo sounded, no matter how faintly, I would send other words to tell, to march, to fight, to create a sense of hunger for life that gnaws in us all."
~Richard Wright 1977

"It is unspoken and there are only a few of us, but we will be her church, the body of Christ coming alive to meet her needs, to write love on her arms."
~Jamie

Monday, oh Monday

2007-02-12T10:05:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday, Mom!! I love you! :-)

Sunsets

2007-02-08T15:10:00.002-08:00

God is so amazing. One of my all time favorite things in life is the outdoors, especially sunsets and the Fall. Last semester I was driving back up to Houghton by myself, and the entire sky, as far as I could see, was a deep pink, orange, red and yellow, and the clouds were so defined and colored and, wow. I actually cried. Haha. And there is this one place at home that I just love. It is overlooking a hill, there is a barn, and it is just gorgeous. Makes me think of Maine too. I really miss it there. Anyways, time for class. I'm halfway done with the day.

"You called, you cried, you shattered my deafness. You sparkled, you blazed, you drove away my blindness. You shed your fragrance, I drew in my breath, and I pant for you. I tasted and now I hunger and thirst. You touched me, and now I burn with a longing for your peace." (Dangerous Wonder)

"How did we end up so comfortable with God? How did our awe of God get reduced to a lukewarm appreciation of God? How can we think of Jesus with out remembering His ground-shaking, thunder-crashing, stormy exit on the cross? Why aren't we continually catching our breath and saying, 'This is no ordinary God!'" (Dangerous Wonder)

"There is no normal life that is free from pain. I'm proud of you for the times you wrestled with your problems and discovered how much that it helped you grow." (Fred Rogers)

Dangerous Wonder

2007-02-08T15:10:00.001-08:00

So I'm re-reading this book, Dangerous Wonder, and I thought I'd put up some stuff from it that has stuck out to me.

"Sometimes I think the people to feel saddest for are people who once knew what profoundness was, but who lost or became numb to the sensation of wonder." (Douglas Copeland)

"We live in a time when faith is thin, because our aching for what is above and beyond us has been anesthetized and our capacity for wonder reduced to clever tricks." (Alan Jones)

"We did not want to stop hearing God's voice. Indeed, God kept on speaking. But our lives became louder. The increasing crescendo of our possessions, the ear-piercing noise of busyness, and the soul-smothering volume of our endless activity drowned out the still, small voice of God."

"I was full of joy and fear at the same time because I knew that if I listened to this Jesus and followed Him - if I, like the disciples, left my fishing or my tax collecting - He would lead me into treacherous territory, where every day would be an experience of danger and wonder at the same time: an adventure of dangerous wonder."

"Jesus was a dangerous man - dangerous to the power structure, dangerous to the church, dangerous to the crowds of people who followed Him. Shouldn't the followers of Christ also be dangerous? Shouldn't everyone be awed and dazzled by Christians? Shouldn't Christians be known by the fire in their souls, the wild-eyed gratitude in their faces, the twinkle in their eyes, and a holy mischief in their demeanors? Shouldn't Christianity be considered dangerous - unpredictable, threatening to the status quo, living outside the lines, uncontrollable, fearless, wild, beyond categorization or definition? Shouldn't those who call themselves Christians be filled with awe, astonishment, and amazement?"

"Risk, as we have seen, is indispensable to any significant life, nowhere more clearly than in the life of the spirit. The goal of faith is not to create a set of immutable, rationalized, precisely defined and defendable beliefs to preserve forever. It is to recover a relationship with God." (Dan Taylor)

"The greatest enemy of Christianity may be people who say they believe in Jesus but who are no longer astonished and amazed. Jesus Christ came to save us from listlessness as well as lostness; He came to save us from flat souls as well as corrupted souls. He came to save us from dullness. Our culture is awash in immorality and drowning in dullness. We have forgotten how to dance, how to sing, and how to laugh. We have allowed technology to beat our imaginations into submission and have become tourists rather than travelers. Television dominates our time, alters our values, numbs us to life in all of its wildness. We have been stunned by mediocrity."

"Curiosity requires courage. You must be willing to ask questions even when they threaten everyone around you. Faith is more than believing; it is an act of courage, a bold grasping of God's truth. Faith is a wrestling match with God, an intense struggle with truth in an attempt to squeeze every bit of knowledge out of it. Curiosity is the shape of our hunger for God. We question God without apology, we march into the presence of God bringing our armfuls of questions - without fear - because God is not afraid of them. People are afraid. Institutions are afraid. God is not afraid."

"Our questions may chase everyone else away, but they attract Jesus. We may be stuck with our questions, but we are also stuck with Jesus. If our questions leave us alone with Jesus, then lonely isn't a bad place to be."

Maybe this time?

2007-02-08T15:08:00.000-08:00

(Maybe this time I will be able to figure out this blogging thing, and it will let me sign in... here's to hoping)

So, today has been good. And bad. Frustrating. Amazing. Painful. Tiring. Wonderful. Awful. Refreshing. I love this quote from the movie, American Beauty: "I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, ad then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."

Wow. There is so much going on right now. Not just in my life, but all over. It's quite overwhelming. On a personal note, I finally began falling behind in my work this past week, and this is only adding to the already more than I can handle stress. I feel like curling up in a ball and hide until it all goes away.

There really is so much beauty in the world that sometimes I do feel like it's too much. It's the same with pain. I didn't know that one could hurt this much, this deeply... And what do you do with that pain? It gets so intense and overpowering at times. It's debilitating. Paralyzing. Not only pain in your own life, but the pain in other's, in the world. When you actually open up your eyes to the world around you, you begin to realize how broken it really is; how deeply people all around you are hurting. In Donald Miller's book Blue Like Jazz he says, "...we are called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding."

I think that the key thing when it comes to dealing with the brokenness and pain in this life, is love. We need to become the physical body of Christ, through time and space, here on earth. It's like Christ becomes visible here on earth when we become alive for Him. We need to see the world through Christ's eyes, to love with His love. And the only way we can do that is if we strive to live as He did. Die to ourselves daily. Not only do we need to become Christ to others, but we need to see Him in them. Obviously we can't fix everything, or be everyone's hero, but we can commit to pouring ourselves out over and over again, until we have nothing left. And then, we keep going. Yeah, it's just about garunteed that our hearts will break in the process, time and time again. But you know what, it's worth it. C.S. Lewis said "To love is to be vulnerable." We so often pray to God asking him to give us an answer, to send us a rescue. What if that rescue is us? It's not an easy task by any means. And life can be quite threatening and scary and overwhelming, even when we have Christ on our side. But it's worth it. I know it is. It has to be. "Love is the movement."