The Sound Of Laughter

"If a rainbow makes a sound, or a flower as it grows,
that was the sound of her laughter."

Time for a real post, or at least something headed in that direction. This past week I spent just about all of my time thinking, praying, reading, remembering, and thinking. The past three days I have been feeling extremely lonely, and have been arguing with myself about things. Here at home, there's just me and my parents. The rest of me, my life, and what has become my family, are all back in New York. You ever miss something or someone so much that it actually hurts? Yeah.

I have been thinking a lot about Christ. What it means to love. What that Love actually looks like. Relationships. School. Healing. Forgiveness. Second chances. Death. Fear. Redemption. Why it is so hard to let other people love you. Trust.

I'm working on getting all my thoughts into some sort of comprehensible piece. So we'll see.

Why do we spend so much time dwelling in the past? And the rest of the time we are worrying about or trying to plan for the future. And all the while we are completely missing out on Today. This moment. What really matters. God is here with us in this moment, and he is calling us to follow him and to trust him, and to let him love us right now. But we're too often, or at least I am too often, too busy worrying about what has and hasn't happened, and about what I am going to do. My eyes become blind to Today, and to all the miracles held within it. I'm tired of living that way. I'm tired of not living. But it's hard to change something that has been en-grained in you for so long. At the same time, though, I can't see that there's any other option but to break free from the lifeless, loveless mold that the world has told us is 'right.'

You know much about what a "fractal" is? I will tell you more about that later too.

This week I read a book that has quite literally turned my world upside down. In an incredible, yet challenging way. If there is one book you read this year, let it be this one. Seriously. It's called, "The Shack" and is written by William P. Young. There are so many things I want to share with you from this book, but I will contain myself for now, and share more later when I can really gather my thoughts. But, here are a few pieces: (you have to read the book to understand the context, but here it is "God/Jesus/Spirit" talking to the main character, Mack)

"All I want from you is to trust me with what little you can, and grow in loving people around you with the same love I share with you. It's not your job to change them, or to convince them. You are free to love without an agenda."

"It is true that relationships are a whole lot messier than rules, but rules will never give you answers to the deep questions of the heart and they will never love you."

"I've never placed an expectation on you or anyone else. The idea behind expectations requires that someone does not know the future or outcome and is trying to control behavior to get the desired result. Humans try to control behavior largely through expectations. I know you and everything about you. Why would I have an expectation other than what I already know? That would be foolish. And beyond that, because I have no expectations, you never disappoint me."

Mack: But I've tried pretty hard to lock you out of my life.

"People are tenacious when it comes to the treasure of their imaginary independence. They hoard and hold their sickness with a firm grip. They find their identity and worth in their brokenness and guard it with every ounce of strength they have. No wonder grace has so little attraction. In that sense you have tried to lock the door of your heart from the inside."

Mack: But I didn't succeed.

"That's because my love is a lot bigger than your stupidity."


This week I have only just begun to understand how HUGE God's love for us is, and what it means to Live, and have a deep relationship with the One who created all things.

I'll post more later, more about what I have been learning and what my other thoughts are, what some of my struggles are, and some other things I want to share with you.

Thoughts so far?